The Scots Independent Newspaper Online

TRIDENT REPLACEMENT

A debate on this topic was held in the Scottish Parliament last Thursday. The motion was from the Greens and argued that the UK should not seek to replace the Trident nuclear missile system.

Part of the argument was that we had signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty including its legally binding obligation to negotiate nuclear disarmament in good faith and agreeing with the legal opinion of Rabinder Singh QC and Professor Christine Chinkin of Matrix Chambers on 19 December 2005 that any replacement of the Trident System would constitute a material breach of Article VI of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

Trident nuclear missile Now there’s a surprise! There’s not been much publicity about that, has there? The Greens went on to call for the Executive to seek an early assurance from the UK Government that it will fully comply with our legal obligations in respect of the NPT and will not seek to replace Trident.

A Conservative amendment supporting the principle of replacing Trident was backed by 18 MSPs. The argument ran that “nuclear weapons have proved to be the most successful means of peacekeeping that the world has ever known” ( Phil Gallie) and “For a deterrent to be credible the potential aggressor must believe that it is capable of being used” ( Lord James Douglas Hamilton)

A Labour amendment included the statement “that there should be the fullest possible debate considering all possible options….. including non-replacement” but they did not support the motion.

The Lib Dems wanted a white paper on the issue to stimulate public debate but they did not support the motion. Mike Rumbles said “Given that we would never use Trident why are we even contemplating replacing it” Euan Robson while declaring that the UK Government has still to make a case for replacing Trident argued the Westminster manifesto position that the UK should keep a minimum deterrent until there was progress with multilateral disarmament

The SSP pointed out the hypocrisy of Bush and Blair criticising Iran while developing their own weapons and ignoring Israel’s nuclear arsenal.

The SSP and the Greens backed an SNP amendment that Scottish Independence was the best route to disarmament.

Bruce Crawford argued that since the end of the Cold War any rationale that might be used had gone and that Trident was dependent on US support. Sandra White gave examples of how the money spent in Trident could be better used.

None of the arguments was agreed. All voted for their Party’s or group’s amendments and against the Green’s motion which gathered 38 votes. Well maybe next time!

AUTISM CASES SOAR

Christine Grahame MSP (SNP) asked the question about the number of cases of autism in primary and secondary schools. The answer surprised everybody. 825 pupils were diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder in state secondaries compared with 114 in 1999. Primary schools showed the number at 1736 compared with 415 in 1999.

Surely an urgent investigation is needed – and not just here in Scotland. It seems that the same thing is happening in America, Australia and New Zealand. Previously it was quite a rare thing for a child to be diagnosed with autism and I cannot understand why the powers that be have not been aware – or being aware why something is not being done about it.

I understand that there is more awareness of the condition. But the problems in education must be severe. Even with the extra money that the Scottish Executive have made available for more classroom assistance etc, that is not the answer. It is not the coping with the condition that is the real problem; it is why the rapid increase in the numbers.

An investigation is needed.

SALMOND VISIT TO BRUSSELS

European Parliament, Brussels SNP Leader Alex Salmond MP will be holding a series of meetings in Brussels this week to take forward Scotland's case for full participation in the European Union and for a greater Scottish focus on energy,regional aid and fishing policy. Mr Salmond will be accompanied by SNP MEP Alyn Smith.

This week's visit begins with a process of taking forward important Scottish national interests in Europe, so that we can move to a position of real influence as a full member state. The big difference for Scotland under the SNP is that Scottish ministers won't be taking their orders from London, but will instead speak up for our nation across the full range of important European discussions. Alyn Smith and Ian Hudghton are delighted that Alex is coming out on his tour at this time as there is so much going on in Brussels of crucial relevance to Scotland and we can get precious little support from the London government. We're looking forward to seeing him in the European parliament chamber. I daresay it will be a welcome change from the green benches by the Thames!

The Working Life of Linda Fabiani MSP

Click here to read SNP MSP Linda Fabiani's working diary.

SYNOPSIS

Friday 5th May 2006

RESHUFFLE EXPOSES WHY BLAIR MUST GO

SNP PRESSURE LEADING TO BLAIR’S FINAL DAYS

With the “loans for peerages” investigation, foreign criminals exposed as loose in Scotland without the knowledge of the authorities and the results of by-elections in Scotland SNP Leader Alex Salmond MP has said SNP pressure has played a significant part in bringing about Blair’s panic stricken reshuffle.

With the “same old faces” appearing under different guises Mr Salmond said that no one would fall for Blair’s weak attempts at reasserting his authority and he should go now.

Alex Salmond Commenting Mr Salmond said: "It's impossible to renew a government when the central problem with the government is at its core - the Prime Minister himself. You can play musical chairs with this discredited team but the person who is most discredited in politics is the ringmaster, the Prime Minister.

He no longer has any new ideas or new faces to fill his cabinet and is simply moving the deck chairs on his Titanic. He should reshuffle himself and go now. He is the problem at the heart of his government and lacks any credibility.

It is effective SNP pressure that is leading to his imminent departure.

It was the SNP which initiated the “loans for peerages” investigation by the Metropolitan Police which has led to pressure for cleaning up party political funding.

It was the SNP which exposed the scandal of an incompetent Home Secretary failing to inform Scottish authorities about foreign criminals at liberty in Scotland.

And it was the stunning result by the SNP in the Moray by-election which gave advance notice for his humiliation in the English local elections.

Monday 8th May

BROWN BLOCK TO PROGRESS ON CITIZENS PENSION

Angus MP Mike Weir, SNP Shadow Minister for Work and Pensions, has accused the Chancellor Gordon Brown of blocking progress towards a Citizens Pension.

Mr Weir raised the matter during Work and Pensions Questions today by asking why the government had set itself so resolutely against even considering reform of the present tax relief system, which could free up the money required to create a fair Citizens Pension.

Mike Weir ohn Hutton stated that such matters were for the Treasury but went on to say that there was general agreement across the government on the way forward and he believed that they should stick with the present contributory system.

Commenting on the matter Mr Weir said "It has been no secret that there has been an argument inside government about this matter. Clearly Gordon Brown has won this argument and prevented any move towards a fair Citizens Pension for all. There is a growing consensus around the country that a Citizens Pension is the way forward yet Gordon Brown’s obsession with means testing has squandered a real opportunity to make significant progress.

The present tax relief system massively benefits the well off and there is no evidence that it encourages saving. A reform of the system could provide much of the funding for a Citizens Pension that would create a fair state pension for all and a real foundation for personal savings towards retirement. Scotland's pensioners should reflect that if Brown succeeds Blair they can look forward to continuing means testing rather than a bold step towards a fair pension system."

Monday 8th May 2006

SCOTLAND SHOULD BE SUPREME ON LEGAL DECISIONS

BLOW TO ASBESTOS VICTIMS FINAL STRAW

The SNP's Shadow Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill MSP set out the party's proposals for matters of Scottish civil law to be settled in Scotland, rather than being passed to the House of Lords.

The proposals were contained in a new paper 'A UK Supreme Court and the Scottish Legal System' which was published this morning by the SNP, and follows the decision by the House of Lords last week that compensation pay outs to people who had contracted cancer from exposure to asbestos in the work place should be limited in cases where there are a number of employers involved.

Kenny MacAskill Mr MacAskill said:

"Scots law requires Scots courts to decide. It's not simply that we have a Scottish Parliament but that we have always had a distinct legal system. The House of Lords being the final court of appeal in Civil matters but not in criminal cases has always been an anomaly.

The House of Lords decision in the asbestos cases last week was a massive blow for the thousands of Scots suffering from such illnesses. It also has huge implications for the Scottish legal system and reinforces why the situation should be regularised by the Court of Session being the final court of appeal on civil matters as the High Court of Justiciary is on criminal matters.

Whether it's Lord Bufton Tufton or even simply Lord Hoffman we cannot have critical decisions that affect Scottish people and their society judged by English Lords whose only experience of Scotland is likely to be during the grouse shooting season.

Powers must be returned not just politically but legally to Scotland. There should be no basis for a London-based Supreme Court deciding on what is fundamental to Scotland, her Parliament and her Legal System."

Monday 8th May 2006

CRAWFORD CALLS FOR FAST-TRACKING OF ANTI-TOLLS BILL

Mid Scotland and Fife MSP Bruce Crawford today published his submission to the Scottish Parliament to ask that his Private Bill to scrap the tolls on the Forth and Tay road bridges is fast-tracked through the normal Holyrood process.

The paper, which will be officially lodged with Parliament tomorrow (Tuesday) and will eventually be discussed at the Parliamentary Bureau, sets out the MSP's argument that there is no need for a lengthy consultation process for this specific proposal, due to the fact that the Executive itself has only recently completed its own comprehensive consultation on the issue.

Bruce Crawford Mr Crawford said:

"This matter needs to be settled sooner rather than later. While Labour and the Lib Dems want to kick the issue into the long grass until after the Scottish Elections next year, I want to see action now. We simply cannot wait any longer for action to abolish these unfair bridge tolls.

By bringing this Bill forward now, voters will be able to see how serious Labour and the Lib Dems are about ensuring that fairness and equality is provided to users of the Tay and Forth Bridges. It is time for the two-faced hypocrisy to be ended and for justice to prevail.

We have had enough of reviews and consultations on this issue, and now it is time for action. This matter has been reviewed to death, and so I will present my argument to the Parliament on Tuesday that the process can be shortened because no further consultation is necessary.

Following a major review of tolled bridges by the Labour and Liberal Scottish Executive the tolls on both the Skye and Erskine Bridges have been removed. If this review was adequate enough for bridge users on the West coast of Scotland, it's good enough for bridge users on the East coast too. The SNP want to see justice now for Forth and Tay Road Bridge users."

Tuesday 9th May 2006

SEARCH & RESCUE PRIVATISATION WORSE THAN EXPECTED

SNP OPPOSES LABOUR PRIVATISATION PLANS

The Scottish National Party has commented that helicopter search & rescue privatisation plans are worse than expected. This follows an announcement by the Westminster Government that their privatisation project is entering into its next phase, but have not given assurances about the level of military air crew operating the life line service.

SNP Defence spokesperson Angus Robertson MP, whose constituency contains RAF Kinloss and RAF Lossiemouth, is the leading opponent of the privatisation plans. In a recently tabled parliamentary motion he raised concerns about retaining the military search & rescue services.

Speaking in reaction to today's announcement by the Westminster Government, Mr Robertson said: "These privatisation plans are worse than had been expected. The Ministry of Defence (MoD) have failed to give assurances about the involvement of military aircrew in helicopter search & rescue.

This plan has more to do with a cost cutting agenda and off balance sheet accounting favoured by New Labour rather than the provision of life line services. It is extraordinary that a Labour Government is privatising air and sea rescue which not even the Tories under Margaret Thatcher pursued. I will be pushing for the MoD to publish all details about the PFI contracts to answer the concerns of people throughout the country."

Thomas Muir Lecture

Michael Russell is giving a lecture on Scottish Martyr Thomas Muir in the Moreig Hotel Annan Road Dumfries, at 3 pm on Saturday 27th May 06.

The meeting has been organised by Dumfries CA as the first of what they hope will become an annual commemoration of Scotland's heroes in memory of that great nationalist Tom McCallum.

Gordon & Carmen Wright

Second-hand, Fine & Rare Scottish Books.

Regular catalogues issued by email. To subscribe, email us at: Gordon.Wright11@btopenworld.com

Gordon Wright’s Scottish Photo Library

Spanning forty-five years and featuring a wide variety of illustrations in colour and black and white covering all aspects of Scottish life from Orkney to the Border country. Thousands of personality portraits.

Images for reproduction. Prints for collectors.

Gordon.Wright11@btopenworld.com

12 May 1679
Rev. James Kirkwood MA (1650-1708) became minister of Minto. The father of public libraries in Scotland and author of the anonymous publication of 1699: “An overture for establishing of Bibliothecks in every paroch throughout this kingdom”.

12 May 1868
Scotland’s last public execution took place in Dumfries when Robert Smith, 19, was hanged for the rape and murder of a nine-year-old girl. By the end of the month a bill to abolish public hangings had received royal assent.

12 May 1916
Edinburgh-born James Connolly, the last of the seven rebels who had signed the Proclamation of the Irish Republic declaration at the start of the Easter Rising in Dublin against British rule, was executed. Wounded during the Rising he was shot tied to a chair.

12 May 1969
The voting age in Britain was lowered to 18.

13 May 1995
Alison Hargreaves, 33, a mother of two from Spean Bridge, became the first woman to climb Everest solo and without oxygen. She died three months later while descending K2, the world’s second highest mountain.

14 May 2003
Labour and Liberal Democrat parties agreed a new coalition deal for government in the Scottish Parliament.

15 May 1567
Marriage of Mary Queen of Scots and James Hepburn, Earl of Bothwell, in Holyroodhouse, “not with the mass but with preaching at ten hours afore noon”.

“Bot within four dayis thaireftir, finding oportunitie, be ressoun we wer past secrtlie towartis Sttriveling to visit the Prince our derrest sone, in oure returning he awaited us be the way accumpaneit with a greit force, and led us with all diligence to Dunbar. Being thair, we reprochit him… Albeit we fand his doingis rude, yit wer his answer and wordis bot gentill.

Eftir he had be thir meanis, and mony utheris, brocht us agaitward to his intent, he partlie extorted and partlie obtenit oure promeis to tak him to oure husband.”

The Queen’s Account from her Instructions to the Bishop of Dunblane to the Court of France.

16 May 1763
Dr Samuel Johnson and his Edinburgh-born biographer James Boswell, met for the first time at Tom Davie’s bookshop in Russell Street, London.

18 May 1689
Jacobite clans mustered under James Graham of Claverhouse, Viscount Dundee, at Dalcomera. A month earlier he had raised the Royal stande Queen’s Account from her Instructions to the Bishop of Dunblane to the Court of France.

16 May 1763
Dr Samuel Johnson and his Edinburgh-born biographer James Boswell, met for the first time at Tom Davie’s bookshop in Russell Street, London.

18 May 1689
Jacobite clans mustered under James Graham of Claverhouse, Viscount Dundee, at Dalcomera. A month earlier he had raised the Royal standard on behalf of the exiled King James VII.

See Dates in History in our Features Section

SCOTTISH QUOTATIONS

I like to have quotations ready for every occasions - they give one's ideas so pat and save one the trouble of finding expression adequate to one's feeling.

Robert Burns

We continue our new Feature in this section of the Flag - Scottish Quotations - statements in prose and verse which reflect all aspects of Scottish life and outlook from the 13^th century to the present day. New quotes added every week. The quotations are not restricted to native Scots but include observations from abroad which help us, in the words of our National Bard, Robert Burns, "To see oursels as others see us!

Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922)

A man, as a general rule, owes very little to what he is born with – a man is what he makes of himself.

Gordon Menzies

Schiehallion, Schiehallion, I hear your voice calling,
Across the Great glen to the coast of Argyll.
The Lowlands, The Highlands, The Borders, The Islands,
I’ll drink to the back of Schiehallion.

(Schiehallion)

Henry Vollam Morton (1892-1979)

Scotland is the best place in which to take an appetite.

(In Search of Scotland 1929)

Adam Smith (1723-1790)

Little else is requisite to carry a state to the highest degree of opulence from the lowest barbarism, but peace, easy taxes and a tolerable administration of justice.

(1755)

See Scottish Quotations in our Features Section

SING A SANG AT LEAST
(compiled by Peter D Wright)

"That I for poor auld Scotland's sake
Some useful plan or book could make
Or sing a sang at least ........"

- Robert Burns

HIELAND RORY
Traditional

Jimmy McBeath

If ye listen for a while, ma freens, I’ll tell ye a’ a story,
I’m just new frae a weddin’ o’ a chap ca’d Hieland Rory;
The bride’s name was Mary Morison, she looked a perfect lady,
She wore a wreath o’ roses and a bumbee tartan plaidie.

Chorus:
Then hurrah for the Hieland lads, long life tae Hieland Rory,
We sang as the moon cam’ oot an’ hame by Tobermory.
When we pairted on the shore, we a’ began a-reelin’,
Annie Laurie took us doon an’ bocht us Caller Herrin;.

Her faither wore a Rob Roy kilt tae match his Rob Roy tile hat,
O’ a’ the airts the wind can blaw, a Man’s a Man for a’ that.
The gudeman was Duncan Grey, the bridesmaid Maggie Lauder,
An’ when the knot was tied the piper played “Blue Bonnets owre the Border.”

Bonnie Mary o’ Argyll she looked sae neat an’ dandy,
“There’s a wee drap in the bottle yet,” roared oot Hieland Sandy.
Some says the deil’s deid an’ buried in Kirkcaldy,
Some says he’ll rise again and dance the Hieland Laddie.

“Get up an’ bar the door gudewife.” Roared Maggie Murphy’s faither,
There’s twa moons in the sky the nicht an’ there’s dew amang the heather,
But I got spoonin’ wi’ a little lass, they ca’ her Hieland Mary,
She bides wi’ Jock o’ Hazeldean on the road tae Inveraray.
“Stop your ticklin’ Jock,” she cried, “your chin’s as rough’s the heather;
Ye can gang the high road an’ I can gang the ither!”

The piper he got drunk, aye, before the dance was ready, oh,
We got a fiddler doon, aye, fae Robbie Tamson’s smiddy, oh,
The tune he played as weel’s I ken wis the Deil amang the Tailors;
There wis highs an’ hoochs an’ highs, till we a’ began a-reelin’.

Footnote: From the singing of the great Portsoy-born Jimmy McBeath. An amusing wordplay on titles of tunes and songs – how many can you find? Suspect that the song started life in the music hall.

See the SING A SANG AT LEAST in our features section

SCOTTISH FOOD, TRADITIONS AND CUSTOMS

In past centuries the Dumfriesshire town of Gretna was famous for smuggling, especially whisky, and run-away marriages, mainly English couples, but in this century the town of some 2,700 inhabitants is quickly becoming more renowned for its football exploits. The rise over the past two seasons of Gretna FC has been remarkable and the scope of their work, on and off the park and in the wider community, was fully illustrated in a television documentary this week. The second part of the documentary will be shown on Tuesday 16 May 2006 and will bring the story up to the most exciting date, so far, in the tiny club’s history.

This Saturday, 13 May 2006, Gretna FC, after being a member of the Scottish football League for only four seasons, face up to the might of Premier League Heart of Midlothian in the Scottish Cup Final at Hampden Park. Such is the excitement generated by their first-ever Scottish Cup final appearance that the small Border town has sold 12.000 tickets for the Hampden sell-out. A full house of 52,000, including some 37,000 Hearts supporters, will witness whether Gretna can emulate the success of East Fife in 1938 in being the only lower division club to ever win the coveted National Trophy. Thousands more will watch on television, a facility not available when Second Division East Fife overcame their First Division opponents Kilmarnock, 4-2, in a replay watched by 91,700 spectators. At the time of the 1938 final, East Fife were ranked 23^rd in the league rankings of the Scottish League, exactly the same position as Gretna are today!

Gretna FC was formed in July 1946 with the assistance and advice from Dumfries-based Queen of the South and played their first season in the Dumfries Junior League. The following season they decided to play in the north of England and were 28 times champions of the Carlisle District League and twice champions of the Northern League (1990-91; 1991-92). But they were keen on being a member of the Scottish League and made unsuccessful bids in 1993 and 1999 for membership. It was a case of third time lucky for the Raydale Park side and on 18 June 2002 they were admitted to the Scottish Football League. Under manager Rowan Alexander they kicked off their return to Scottish football with a 1-1 draw with Greenock Morton on 3 August 2002. They finished their first season in the Scottish Third Division in sixth place, which they improved to third place in season 2003/04. With the financial backing of English multi-millionaire businessman Brooks Mileson who had bought the club, Gretna turned fulltime and with players such as scoring hot-shot Kenny Deuchar (signed from East Fife) raced to the Third Division Championship for 200/’05 in only 27 games. A 1-0 victory at Cowdenbeath on 5 March 2005 secured the title and promotion to the Second Division and equalled the 41-year-old promotion record set by Greenock Morton. By the end of the season they had set a new points record for the division of 98 points, beating a previous best of 80 set by Forfar ten years previously. Gretna only lost two games, with two draws and notched up 32 wins, banged in 130 goals and only conceded 29, as they stormed to a higher division.

This season saw the Gretna dream of Premier League football continue as they wrapped up a consecutive league title and promotion to the First Division but it was their success in the Scottish Cup which fired the imagination of all football fans. After seeing off non-league opponents Preston Athletic and Cove Rangers, they showed their mettle by defeating First Division teams – St Johnstone, Clyde (who had put out cup holders Celtic 2-0) and First Division Champions St Mirren. In the semi-final, Gretna again faced First Division opposition, Dundee. In a televised game the men from Raydale Park completely outplayed the Dens Park outfit and cruised to a 3-0 victory and set up the fairy-tale final with Heart of Midlothian, In the other semi-final, Hearts thrashed their Edinburgh rivals Hibernian 4-0 in a one-sided game. Hearts are, like Gretna, enjoying one of their best-ever seasons since they won the Scottish Cup for the sixth time in 1998. Finishing second in the Premier League, Hearts will play for the first-ever time in the European Championship League, and have ensured that Gretna are guaranteed European football next season, regardless of the Scottish Cup result, in the form of the UEFA Cup.Gretna have already arranged to play their first European home game at Motherwell’s ground Fir Park, as Raydale Park doesn’t meet European criteria (yet!).

raspberries Plans are already afoot for a new 6,000 seated stadium for Gretna, as they seek to win promotion next season to the Scottish Premier League, Gretna’s owner Brooks Mileson has been a breath of fresh air for Scottish football and the coaching work they do in schools and involvement in the community is an example to all clubs. From his own pocket he has also paid for a 1,000 schoolchildren to attend the big day at Hampden. On the playing side much credit must go to manager Rowan Alexander and his assistant Davie Irons who have blended a successful side capable of playing well above their present league standing. So keen is Brooks Mileson to keep his winning management team together that they were offered a new 5-year contract this week.

On paper Hearts should tie up their seventh Scottish Cup triumph on Saturday but until then Gretna fans can dream that the Scottish Cup will be adorned with Black and White ribbons.

As we suggested last week, an appearance in the Scottish Cup Final is jam on the cake for the finalists and this week we come up with a very old Scottish jam recipe – Uncooked Raspberry Jam - to celebrate the oldest National Trophy in the world.

Uncooked Raspberry Jam

Ingredients: 4 lb (2 kg) raspberries: 4 lb (2 kg) sugar

Method: Pick over the berries. Spread the sugar in a large shallow fireproof dish. Heat thoroughly in a moderate oven, stirring occasionally, to prevent sugar caking or burning. Place the berries in an earthenware jar. Stand in a pan of boiling water coming half way up the side till all the fruit is thoroughly heated. Remove pan from stove. Turn berries into a heated basin. Mash to a fine pulp, then add the hot sugar. Beat for 5 minutes, then cover basin. Stand for 30 minutes, then beat rapidly again for 5 minutes.Cover and stand for 30 minutes and beat once more for 5 minutes. Pot, seal and label.

See our Scottish Food, Traditions and Customs in our Features section

A KIST O FERLIES
A Keek at the Guid Scots Tung

By Peter & Marilyn Wright
(Note: All words underlined in this section are RealAudio links)

aff-pit: excuse
buik / beuk: book
disjaskit: wearied; downcast
fankle: entanle; ravel; trap; fumble; muddle; tangle
mochie: clammy; rotting
rin: run

Rin the gless: Use up alloted time

Me - fashed? I dinna gie a docken

ye thrawn, carnaptious,

misbegotten deevil o ill-luck.

Ye picked the wrang lass

gin ye thocht I'd show the warld

a sair begrutten hert. Forby

tulziesom tykes aye hirple hame

an fine I ken, at the hinner end,

I'll hae ye back, ye scunner!

"Smeddum" - Ellie McDonald

COMPLETE POEMS

Mrs Purdies Aipple Tairt
Anon

apple tart

Click here to listen to this in Real Audio read by Marilyn Wright

The bakin' at oor village show's the best ye've ivver seen.

Fowk come frae far an' near, frae ilka airt.

But listen till I tell ye a' aboot ma guid aul' freen,

An' the tale o' Mrs Purdie's aipple tert.

Pair Mrs Purdie took it as an unco fashious slight

That her pastry nivver seemed tae mak' the grade.

For the judges didna even cut a slice tae hae a bite

O' the aipple tert that Mrs Purdie made.

It wis in an' oot the freezer wis Mrs Purdie's pie,

Sma' wunner that ma freen wis losin' hert.

It nivver won a mention an' the judges passed it by.

Whit could be wrang wi' Mrs Purdie's tert?

'I doot,' said Mrs Thomson, 'that the judges must hae kent

Her d'oyley' (upon which the tert wis laid).

For in ivvery flooer show roon aboot, the plate wis evident

Wi' the aipple tert that Mrs Purdie made.

Last spring the frost had nipped the blossom: aipples there were nane.

Dame Nature cam' tae Mrs Purdie's aid.

For naebody had ony fruit, an' so it stood alane,

The aipple tert that Mrs Purdie made.

Her aipple tert wis nae the best, nor wis it yet the worst.

But by itssel' an' in a class apairt.

Sae the judges had nae option an' they had tae pit it first

And gie the prize tae Mrs Purdie's tert.

She wis a happy wumman: she wis quite puffed up wi' pride.

Ower the triumph that pit ithers in the shade.

He'd be mentioned in the paper, tellin' fowk the coonty wide

O' the aipple tert that Mrs Purdie made.

The show wis ower: she picked it up and went tae tak' it hame.

'We'll hae this tae oor Sunday tea.' she said.

An' she proodly gethered up the winnin' ticket wi' her name

Aside the tert that Mrs Purdie made.

Bit then, pride aften gangs afore a fa', o' that I'm shair.

She drapt the plate, an' crash! Awa' it gaed.

It lay in near a hunner wee bit pieces on the flair,

The aipple tert that Mrs Purdie made.

See Scots Language in our Features Section
for other poems, stories, songs, sayings, jokes and words in the Scots language

SCOT WIT

Enjoy a Scottish Joke every week and listen to it as well

Northern Austerity

At the morning service in a Presbyterian Kirk in the North, a visitor from the South had made his appearance. It was soon evident that he was accustomed to a less severe atmosphere during Divine Worship, and from time to time disturbed the normal calm by exclaiming "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!"

This went on for some time until an old Elder moved forward to the interrupter, tapped him on the shoulder and warned him -

"Luik here, ma mannie, we dinna praise the Lord here !"

Click here to listen to this joke

Read and listen to Jokes in our Scot Wit section