IF YOU WANT IGNORED- PRESS 1

However in a lull between outgoing calls, I took one from a company asking about my mortgage, and the voice had a foreign accent; after the chap warbled on for a bit, I asked him "Where are you calling from, please?". He replied "Leicester." My spirits rose; had Independence happened without me being aware of it? "That’s funny" I said "My phone says "International."" "Ah well" he replied, "That is because it is routed through the United States." According to his story, it was very expensive to phone from Leicester to Edinburgh, so to save money the company put all calls through America! He wanted to give me a cheaper mortgage, lend me money, or act for myself or any member of my family if we had suffered an injury over the past few years. I also asked if they had a website, and he said they did and gave me its address; I couldn’t find it. No, I did not take up any offer, but then I never do.

I said at the start that I was trying to arrange annual holiday insurance, as there has been a number of articles in the press recently about holiday insurance, and the desirability of taking out insurance direct with an insurer as distinct from a travel agent. One memorable quote from Alison Scowen, public affairs manager at Direct Line "Travel insurance is a complex financial service, not a holiday add-on. Not only does a lack of full regulation continue to leave the customer susceptible to being sold inadequate cover, but the variances in the way it is sold across the industry will simply leave the consumer confused." Mark the last phrase well!

When you become 65, holiday insurance doubles, a form of ageism that does not seem to apply to motor insurance, where the younger you are the higher the premium; probably reverse ageism. Anyway, I have obtained quotes from a number of insurers, but the only insurer which does not do annual holiday insurance for people over 64 - is Direct Line. They do single trip insurance, but not annual; I was astounded, but the young lady denied it was ageism, and blamed the underwriters.

It is also my practice to get a number of quotes for my car insurance each year; guess which company will not be considered from now on? The grey panthers strike back!

BANNOCKBURN MARCH & RALLY

The SNP annual Bannockburn Day Rally took place at the Field of Bannockburn on Saturday 21st June 2003, and was attended by the usual stalwarts; in the forefront of the parade as usual was the Scots Independent Chairman and SNP Deputy Standard Bearer, Peter D Wright, who gives a fuller account of the significance of Bannockburn under Scottish Food Traditions and Customs this week.

The Rally was addressed by the SNP Leader, John Swinney MSP; he said:

"As we gather together from all over Scotland to commemorate the Bannockburn battle, we should also take the time to remember and reflect on the distinguished history and traditions of our country and of our party.

"The roots of our national movement and the independence cause are deeply set in the long history and proud traditions of Scotland, roots that stretch back to even before the time of Bannockburn in 1314.

"That history and those traditions are steeped in a common value -that the people of Scotland have the right to decide their own affairs and determine their own future. And that principle is as valid today as it was 689 years ago when men lost their lives on this battlefield.

"Earlier this week, when Jack McConnell went to London, he said that the constitutional arrangements between London and Scotland "will depend on the views of this and future Prime Ministers" . He has never been so wrong. The constitutional arrangements of our country depends on the people who live in Scotland and not on whoever resides in 10 Downing Street.

"The SNP is a relatively young party only 69 years old but that has been a tremendous time in Scottish and world history. The world has changed and changed again over these years, as has Scottish politics. But one thing has not changed. The values we were founded on then are still as valid and relevant today as they were then. The right to self-determination remains.

"We are lucky now that we can pursue this aim through democratic means. Nearly every year we have the opportunity to push and promote our case at the ballot box. This year in the Scottish Parliament and local councils, next year in the European Parliament, and the year after at Westminster.

"At every election we fight for independence and at every level of government the SNP represents and fights for the best deal for the people of Scotland. These are fights we will continue and not give up. We will secure independence for our nation and make Scotland the best place it can be.

"Whatever comes and goes in Scottish and world politics, the SNP's foundation remains true. Our party is rooted in the traditions and history of our country and that is something we should be very proud of."

West of Scotland MSP, Stewart Maxwell, who also addressed the rally, said:

"I come to Bannockburn to celebrate our history and to remember those who fought for Scotland's Independence. But I also come to remind myself of an important lesson from history and that is that the struggle for Independence is not an easy one. That what those of us who seek Scottish Independence in the 21st Century require is the same level of determination and perseverance that was shown by Robert the Bruce and his contemporaries. It is a democratic struggle that we are involved in, but we must be equally determined to win."

SNP President Dr Winnie Ewing, who laid the wreath at the rally concluded:

"The enemies of Scotland are not the English, as one of our founders RB Cunningham Grahame said, they are in fact well disposed towards us. The enemies of Scotland are the traitors within the gate, the unionist parties who, whilst claiming to be Scottish, don't wish for their country the normal freedom that every world citizen expects for their country."

The lament was played by Alejo Rodriguez, an Argentinian who is attending the Scottish College of Piping, demonstrating yet again the international appeal of the SNP.

THE BLAME GAME - EURO 2008

It apparently says "The Irish government’s commitment could only be made at the 11th hour. The bid contained too many uncertainties in relation to stadiums." It also said "It is clear that Ernie Walker and David Will of the SFA did not have the influence and connections that were hoped for." Well, neither Ernie Walker nor David Will work for the SFA, and they never at any time claimed to have connections which would influence the choice. The facts of the matter are that Scotland had prepared a solo bid, and after the success of the Champions League Final in Glasgow our international standing was high; we had agreed to provide 8 stadia (correct plural of stadium), and the then First Minister, Henry McLeish, was very keen to put Scotland firmly on the map.

When Henry resigned, Jack McConnell got cold feet, as he could see Scotland getting a much higher profile than New Labour in London would like; he said we could only afford 6 stadia, and to disguise his lack of commitment he approached the Irish Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, to get his support for a joint bid. Mr Ahern agreed, and then set off a real rumpus in Ireland over a football stadium he had commissioned, a very expensive project known as "Bertie’s Bowl", and Croke Park, whose constitution barred football being played there. The approach to Ireland was made at the last minute, when there was barely time to put the bid together and to save £200 million, Mr McConnell was asking the Irish to spend £500 million; the Irish, seeing all the advantages of being joint hosts, went for it. However, the lateness of the submission and the confusion of Croke Park and Bertie’s Bowl, meant that the presentation was difficult; Mr McConnell was a mathematics teacher in a previous existence, but perhaps if he had been a geography teacher he might have noticed there was an Irish Sea between venues.

Final word to Ernie Walker, chairman of UEFA’s stadium and security committee, who had always argued for a solo bid. "We had a fantastic chance to go it alone, but the Executive would not make that commitment. I would hope that this is the biggest lesson of all, that a solo bid had fantastic possibilities for this country."

As commented last week the only unexpected event was the resignation of the English Health Secretary, Alan Milburn, so presumably all the other appointments were made after due consideration, even if that consideration was not accorded to either the Cabinet itself or to Parliament, where the Speaker had to summon the Prime Minister to report. We also wonder where he took advice from, and the reaction of former cabinet secretaries was one of astonishment; Lord Butler ( as Sir Robin Butler of "economical with the actualite" fame) said "If asked for our advice on that, I guess a cabinet secretary or other civil servants might say "Well, wouldn’t it be a good idea to have a green paper on this."" The former cabinet secretaries, Lords Armstrong of Ilminster, Butler of Brockwell and Wilson of Dinton were giving evidence to the Commons public administration committee’s civil service inquiry (and how’s that for a bureaucratic mouthful), and they felt that such a constitutional upheaval could be handled much more smoothly. Lord Armstrong commented "It was the fact that they didn’t seem to have thought through the subsequent stages... the notion that you could abolish the lord chancellor overnight and, of course, the following day Lord Falconer was on the Woolsack with his wig and his breeches."

It is a source of continuing surprise to me that this reforming government has not abolished the Act of Settlement; this piece of pernicious legislation was put in around 1700 when the monarch was the source of all power and patronage, and specified that the heir to the Throne could not be a Catholic nor married to one. Times have changed, and the source of all power and patronage is the Prime Minister, who is married to a Catholic; the leader of the opposition in Westminster, Iain Duncan Smith, is a Catholic, as is Charles Kennedy, Liberal Party leader in Britain. In Scotland, Jack McConnell, First Minister is married to a Catholic, and John Swinney, leader of the opposition, is about to be married to a Catholic. The modern democratic world has caught up with archaic royalist one, and it is a wonder that Mr Blair has not taken action, particularly as the abolition of this Act would remove the spurious fig leaf of respectability from the Loyalist faction in Ulster

Attempts to repeal this Act have been tried before, not least because it is incompatible with the Human Rights Acts of 1998, and a English Labour MP tried to have the Act amended. His bill failed to progress to a second stage, and commenting on the government’s reluctance to support it, Mr Blair said "Moreover, to avoid any disputes over the succession, identical legislation would need to be passed by at least 15 other independent monarchies within the Commonwealth." One might wonder if they care.

On one thing I am quite clear; I have no time for the accident of birth philosophy which props up the House of Lords and the House of Windsor, and would happily subscribe to a republic, so I have no wish for myself or any of my progeny to inherit the throne. It has always been a source of sadness that our Australian cousins voted to keep the Queen as their Head of State, a sadness somewhat mitigated by the fact that they trusted their politicians even less than royalty.

So far, there is no evidence that Saddam Hussein and his two sons have been either killed or captured, although how much this is influencing events in Iraq is unclear; certainly the longer they remain at large, the longer it will be before the country stabilises. It would seem that the pattern of haste, discussed with regard to constitutional change in the previous article, has been mirrored in Iraq. The invasion was going to take place, come what may; weapons of mass destruction were the pretext, and the approach of hot weather the trigger; what is now painfully obvious is that not enough thought was put into what would happen after the war was over.

According to one report, America had 2 battalions of military police going in, but the politicians were unable to wait until they were ready, so the armed forces went in without them; now the crying need is for police, and soldiers are expected to act as policemen, a task for which they are not trained, or temperamentally suited. A lot of troops are now being returned home, and humanitarian aid workers are being hindered because they require protection; it would appear as if British troops are more acceptable to the Iraqis than American ones, although the unexpected killing of 6 British military policemen has caused a bit of a rethink.

Iraq is a morass, and it would seem that the invaders are now regarded as occupiers rather than saviours; lawlessness is rife, which Iraqis are not accustomed to. Under Saddam, life was peaceful for a lot of the population, as criminals could not exist; water pipelines are being sabotaged, by people looking for water, and this was never a problem under Saddam. When asked why, the response was that anyone interfering with a pipeline was shot; this is not a response that the coalition forces could use. The sooner that some form of civilian administration is in place, the sooner peace will return to Iraq; the coalition should have had their second thoughts first. 

I admit to having read one Harry Potter book, which I borrowed from my eldest granddaughter.

At the end of May about 8,000 public servants in Scotland did not receive their salaries on time; this total included all the MSPs and nearly all the Scottish Parliamentary staff, also some quango and public sector employees. The problem was a computer glitch at the Surrey based payroll firm AD Chessington.

Edinburgh is the second largest banking centre in Europe.

While attending the Co-op Congress in Manchester last month, I was horrified to see that the catering was done by Sodexho, a very large catering company but one which has an extremely doubtful reputation, even to the extent that the Hotel and Restaurant Workers’ Union have set up a website called www.eyeonsodexho.org (currently undergoing reconstruction.)

When I commented on this in a report I was even more horrified to be told that the same company was doing the catering at the Scottish Parliament; tell me it isn’t so?

After the European Cup Final which was won by AC Milan, I overheard a remark "The Pope will be pleased; an Italian team won the Cup." It was a wee while before I realised that the other team, Juventus, was also Italian!

Oh, and the Pope’s a Pole.

In Holland, where it is legal to buy marijuana in any of the 800 cannabis cafes, specifically set up for the purpose, customers may continue to roll their joints, but will have to smoke them outside; the move is aimed at targeting tobacco and passive smoking.

It reminds me of a report on one of the many drives against drugs; one wee lad was asked if he was warned about drugs at school. "Naw" he replied "But we get telt aboot the fags."

The Accident Group, a no-win, no-fee insurance claims business , went into receivership at the end of May; they caused a storm of protest when they informed most of their 2600 employees by text message that they were redundant, and no money was available to pay wages for May. The company’s owners, Amulet sent a message giving employees a number to ring; those who rang were told "If you have not been spoken to, you are therefore being made redundant with immediate effect."

An amulet is a lucky charm.

MPS AND MSPS

Mr Salmond asked Mr Speaker how it could be established whether it was Mr Darling's officials or parliamentary secretary who requested the change - thus compounding his gaffe. Mr Salmond said:

"It would be extraordinary if Mr Darling's own office requested the change from Hansard - thus piling a blunder onto Tuesday's gaffe. On both big and small issues, this Government's instinct seems to be to cover up - instead of simply accepting the truth.

"Mr Darling's confusion over the fact that Scotland has a parliament reflects the confusion and mess that still surrounds Tony Blair's disastrous reshuffle."

ALEX SALMOND
"Mr Speaker, at Question Time yesterday in full hearing of the House, the Secretary of State for Scotland described the Scottish Parliament as an assembly, and that matter has been taken up substantially in the Scottish press today to indicate that it perhaps suggests that the Secretary of State is too busy to be in command of his brief. Now, if we are to look at column 847 in today's Hansard, the word 'assembly' has been deleted and the word 'parliament' inserted. Now Hansard staff are excellent, Mr Speaker, but it is a material change of meaning as detailed in Erskine May. So can I ask if the Secretary of State for Scotland is going to have the opportunity to tell us if any of his staff or parliamentary secretary had a hand in seeking that change, and whether the official record will be altered to what actually happened as opposed to what the Secretary of State for Scotland might want to have happened?"

MR SPEAKER
"I understand that yesterday the official report edited the reference by the Secretary of State for Scotland to the assembly in Holyrood to the Parliament. I therefore may make it clear it is the normal practice for Hansard to correct all those mistakes. That is what happened on this occasion."

ALEX SALMOND
In a further Point of Order, Mr Salmond asked that if it was Mr Darling's officials or parliamentary secretary who sought the change, how it could established when they "sought that change, which is of considerable moment and interest in Scotland."

MR SPEAKER
"This is matter for the editor of Hansard, not the staff, but the editor of Hansard. And as the honourable gentleman stated and other honourable members in this House have stated, the Hansard does give us an excellent service, it's a service which is second to none."

The SNP has campaigned for a thorough inquiry into the finances of Scottish Water but it was blocked by the alliance of Labour, Lib Dems and their new Tory recruit. Mr Ewing said:

"Every business organisation in Scotland has told MSPs that the level of water rates is crippling industry, especially small businesses.

"The Federation of Scottish Business and Forum of Private Business have both called for a full inquiry. The FSB has also carried out research which shows that Scottish businesses are paying up to six times more than their English counterparts.

"At the same time, we have seen an unseemly spat between Scottish Water Chief Alan Alexander and the Water Industry Commissioner Alan Sutherland who has argued that hundreds of millions of pounds should be saved from Scottish Water's budget.

"When I raised these points with the Finance Committee not one Labour, Lib Dem or Tory MSP voted in support of the SNP call for an inquiry to commence in September.

"This is nothing more than a massive U-turn from the Tories who have claimed in the newspapers that an inquiry is vital, yet they are not willing to work towards implementing it.

"It is time for the Scottish Tories to practice what they preach and work together with me to improve water rates in Scotland."

Resting Place

Read and listen to Jokes in our Scot Wit section