A bit lighthearted fun, certainly dated, even in 1967, but a few points worth noting; and if you think it a bit passe to be talking about 1967, just think of how often we have heard about England’s World Cup win in 1966, with no discernible benefits to the human race.

He climbs aboard an English bus (which runs on pneumatic tyres invented by John Dunlop of Dreghorn), and on the way to the station he lights an English cigarette (first manufactured by Robert Gloag of Perth).

The English train which takes him up to Town works on a principle devised by James Watt of Greenock.

At the office he opens the mail (the adhesive stamp was invented by Chalmers of Dundee) answers the telephone (invented by Alexander Graham Bell even answers his boss (sure to be another Scot).

In the evening, his wife is preparing his national dish - the roast beef of Old England (Buchan beef). He feels very patriotic, and whistle "Ye Mariners of England" (by Thomas Campbell of Glasgow) for roast beef is one of the revered institutions (like the Crown which has rested on a Scottish head since 1603).

After dinner there follows a scene of typical English domestic bliss. Young Albert goes off to the Boys Brigade (founded by Sir William Smith in Glasgow). Young Ted goes out to the Scouts (the present Chief Scout is Sir Hector McLean of Duart) while little Ethel plays on her bicycle (invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, a Dumfriesshire blacksmith). Mum is in the kitchen steeping the wash in bleach (a Scottish invention) while Dad watches Television (invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburgh).

After the kids come home Dad supervises the homework. The maths jotters will be full of logarithms (invented by John Napier of Edinburgh). The English course is stuffed with books like "Treasure Island" (Robert Louis Stevenson) and Robinson Crusoe (based on the life of Alexander Selkirk of Largo). He may even discover that the Flower of English Chivalry, King Arthur, was a Scotsman, as were all his knights, and the English history book will dwell on political economy (fathered by Adam Smith of Glasgow).

To get away from the Scots, Dad will pick up the Bible, but the first name is that of a Scot (James VI, who authorised the translation).

If he takes to drink, we supply the best in the world. If he tries to put his head in the oven , coal gas was discovered by William Murdoch of Ayrshire. So he takes a rifle and tries to blow his brains out (the breech loading was invented by a Scot).

Anyway, if he survives they’ll put him on a table and pump him full of penicillin (discovered by Sir Andrew Fleming of Darvel) give him an anaesthetic (by courtesy of Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate) and perform an operation (antiseptic surgery was pioneered at Glasgow Infirmary).

The first thing he would hear on awakening would be the voice of the Scottish surgeon telling him he was as safe as the Bank of England (founded by William Paterson of Dumfries).

His only hope is that he would receive a few pints of good Scots blood and thus claim kinship with the race, or else emigrate and join them.

McConnell is not a fool; he will let Wallace carry the can (no pun intended) and make all the arguments and enemies, secure in the knowledge that the latter will remain in office, but not in power. Near the turn of the year, and the 2003 Election, McConnell will intervene, and the private prison proposals will be either scrapped or radically amended, to the strains of "For he’s a jolly good fellow" - McConnell, that is.

Anyway, the SNP having uncovered this little scam of public money going to the private sector, undeclared, thought it worthwhile to have a look at some of the other high profile "value for money" PFI projects. And what a surprise, the New Edinburgh Royal Infirmary which is run by Consort Healthcare, on hire purchase (except that we don’t get the purchase) has the rates paid by Lothian University Hospitals Trust, and that means that every year £2.5 million out of the budget for health goes to the local authority; so over the life of that contract we the taxpayers will fork out £75 million. Hairmyres Hospital in East Kilbride has the same deal, and over the 30 years 27 million smackeroos goes into the pockets of the privateers; Glasgow City Council is also paying the rates for all the PFI schools in their area.

New Labour are now turning round and saying that this is nothing new, but they have been telling us all along that PFI is the best and cheapest way, but they haven’t been telling us about this hidden subsidy, and now it’s the injured innocence you always get when someone is caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

What a pathetic way to denigrate the previous First Minister, pure, or rather impure, character assassination; Henry McLeish did not believe that there was anything to be concerned about because he was ripping off the taxpayer. This was standard Labour practice, Westminster practice, and even now those guilty of it, step forward Nigel Griffiths and Dr John Reid, are still honourable members of the government, the latter even a Right Honourable one. Henry may not appreciate the distinction, but he was a fool rather than a knave; New Labour are determined to destroy him - the weasels.

TALKING INDEPENDENCE

Scotland is an ancient nation, and its people have modern democratic rights

Independence, as has been argued in this paper, is about controlling our own destiny for the benefit of all our people. Independence is normal for nations of Scotland’s size, and Independence is now necessary if Scotland is to achieve her potential in the world.

First, the people vote for the party that supports Independence – the Scottish National Party. Then an SNP Government at Holyrood holds a referendum on Independence. Finally, the Scottish Government conducts Independence negotiations with Westminster, producing an Independence settlement.

They were banned in the UK as well after the De Lorean scandal in the 1980s (by the Tories, no less) but came back into favour in 1997 when Labour came to power. A spokesman for the Office for Government Commerce has not blacklisted them, despite their current American experience, but states "Andersen remains eligible for government work." They will no doubt continue to supply the answers New Labour wants.

From the Scotsman Business section 17 Jul 02 "By the time Energis had tumbled into administration, having blown its massive cash inheritance from Arnie Weinstock’s GEC, it owed its banks a massive £3,700 million."

From the Scotsman Business section 18 Jul 02 "In Wednesday’s business section we incorrectly stated that Energis had blown a massive cash inheritance from Arnie Weinstock’s GEC. We accept that Energis had no connection to GEC and apologise for any confusion caused." Still waiting for apologies for their daily political mis-statements.....

William Topaz McGonagall is celebrated as the "best worst poet", and he was reviled throughout his life and pelted with fruit and other things during his public performances; even now, other poets still admit he was "awful", and any attempt to read his works confirms this view.

And one hundred years after his death they are making television programmes and writing articles about him!

At the beginning of July, a Highland Airways passenger plane on a scheduled flight from Stornoway to Benbecula was warned that it was entering a military zone and that it had to change course immediately; the pilot initially complied, but on checking with air traffic control he resumed his course and landed at Benbecula. The warning was issued by a US Navy ship on exercises off the west coast of Scotland, and there has been a deafening silence since.

Brings back memories of the no doubt apocryphal exchange of messages between two vessels; the first one demanded that the second one change course, and the second demanded that the first one change course. After an increasingly bad tempered exchange of further messages the first vessel sent the following ultimatum "This is the USS Enterprise,(or whatever) the most powerful warship in the American Navy, and we demand that you change your course immediately." The reply merely said "This is a lighthouse."

The government of Gibraltar, furious at the joint sovereignty deal cooked up between the UK and Spain without consulting them, have decided to hold a referendum in October to allow the Gibraltarians an opportunity to express their views; New Labour Foreign Secretary Jack Straw regards this decision as "Eccentric."

Strange man, Straw - eccentric even.

SNP PINPOINT MOTOROLA "MISSING MILLIONS"
Mon 29 Jul 02

Lothians MSP Fiona Hyslop today claimed the government diverted millions of pounds of public money away from West Lothian following the closure of Motorola plant at Bathgate. The Motorola taskforce, set up to find jobs after the plant closed last year with the loss of 3106 jobs, is to be wound up after successfully finding work for over 90% of former employees. Ms Hyslop has accused the Executive of pocketing 6.75 million pounds from the 16.75 million pounds of regional assistance clawed back from the electronics giant. The SNP frontbencher, who has been pursuing the Motorola money trail for over a year, said: "After 14 long months we are finally seeing money promised to help the West Lothian economy recover from the series of major job losses being released in the form of funding for the West Lothian Strategic Action Plan. What is also clear however is that the Executive is planning on pocketing the remaining 6.75 million pounds into some central pot or economic slush fund buried in their huge under spend - when this money could and should be used to support the skills and infrastructure needs of the West Lothian economy sooner rather than later."

SURGEONS PLAN MASS EXODUS FROM NHS
Sun 28 Jul 02

Hospital doctors are planning to quit the NHS and sell their services privately in the biggest shake-up of Britain's health system for decades. Consultants and trainee surgeons are considering setting up legal-style 'chambers' from which they will offer their skills on the open market. The controversial move is being seen as a clear ultimatum to the government to abandon its current, restrictive contracts for consultants or face a mass exodus of senior doctors. Last night, opposition politicians demanded urgent action by the government to avert the split, while patients' groups warned mass defections from the NHS would plunge the service into crisis. SNP shadow health minister Nicola Sturgeon warned the NHS now "stands on the brink of an abyss". "The Executive has allowed London to negotiate a proposed new contract that is designed to tackle the problems faced in England, not those here in Scotland," Ms Sturgeon said. "Malcolm Chisholm must hold urgent talks with doctor's leaders to ensure that a contract designed to meet the needs of England and Wales does not end up destroying the Scottish health service."

ANDREW WILSON PINPOINTS "LABOUR's LOAFIEST LOAFERS"
Sun 28 Jul 02

SNP MSP Andrew Wilson has taken a pop at Scottish Labour MP's, describing them as a "lumpen group of loafers". His criticism comes in the wake of the latest survey of MPs' activity in the House of Commons, published by the SNP on Thursday. Writing in the Sunday Mail today, Mr Wilson said Scotland's Labour MPs were "plumbing the depths of inaction". "They don't seem to care that their total indifference to the underperformance of their country and constituency is holding Scotland back," he writes. "They just draw the cash, snarf the subsidised scran and do little, very, very little except troop through the lobbies to vote as they are told. Our list shows the bottom ten performers but they are not alone. Twenty-four of the bottom 28 are Labour and on average the SNP MPs are seven times as active as Labour." The loafiest loafers are: Gavin Strang, Edinburgh East; Irene Adams, Paisley North; Brian Donohoe, Cunninghame South; Ernie Ross, Dundee West; Rosemary McKenna, Cumbernauld & Kilsyth; Jim Sheridan, West Renfrewshire; Martin O'Neill, Ochil; Frank Doran, Aberdeen Central; Calum MacDonald, Western Isles; and Anne Picking, East Lothian.

LABOUR DENIES CASH-FOR-CONTRACTS ABUSE
Fri 26 Jul 02

The Labour Party has denied any wrongdoing over a donation it received from one of the firms doing work on the new Scottish Parliament. Labour has disclosed that it received a donation of more than 5,000 pounds from the construction group O'Rourke - but said there was nothing wrong in doing so. Opposition politicians have renewed calls for an independent commission to examine claims of corruption in government. SNP shadow parliament minister Fiona Hyslop said: "Labour is saddled with debts and their funding has dried up as the government becomes more and more mired in allegations of cash-for-favours abuses. A grubby pattern of sleaze and cronyism has been established ever since New Labour came to power - including the Ecclestone million, the Enron donation, and the Mittal money - where cash given to New Labour has been followed by lucrative contracts, or favourable changes in government policy. And the problem is clearly getting worse."

OPPOSITION ANGER AT COMMONWEALTH SNUB
Fri 26 Jul 02

The absence of any senior ministers from the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games in Manchester on Thursday night sparked a furious response from opposition politicians today. Jack McConnell, Scotland's First Minister, chose not to break his holiday and missed welcoming the Scottish team to the City of Manchester Stadium. His deputy, Jim Wallace, stayed at home to launch a youth crime initiative in Scotland. Even the sports minister, Lord Watson, did not turn up to represent Scotland at the start of the games. Scotland's representative at the opening ceremony was the junior Executive minister, Elaine Murray, the little-known Labour MSP for Dumfries. SNP leader John Swinney said: "Many senior ministers from other Commonwealth countries had travelled thousands of miles to get there, but not this shower. Jack McConnell should have been there to promote Scotland and to represent Scotland at the opening ceremony. Instead, we sent Elaine Murray, the deputy sports minister. That really is not good enough."

PS As soon as he saw there were some medals being won, he hotfooted it down to get his picture taken.

E-MAIL "LAYS BARE" LABOUR CASH CRISIS
Fri 26 Jul 02

David Triesman, general-secretary of the Labour Party, has written to its members saying that he will have to start sacking his staff unless they are more generous with their donations. In an e-mail sent to all card-carrying Labour members, Mr Triesman confirmed that the party is in dire financial straits and is on the point of making cutbacks. He has also admitted that lack of funds will impact on campaigning - taken as a reference to its firepower in the Scottish Parliament elections next year. Mr Triesman's e-mail was forwarded to the Scottish National Party which published it yesterday - and said it proves that Labour is on the wane. Nicola Sturgeon, who will be co-ordinating the SNP's Holyrood campaign, said: "This begging e-mail not only lays bare the party's financial troubles but is proof of the financial disaster which Labour is facing. There can be no doubt that Labour 's 2003 campaign will be hit by its financial crisis. As the SNP is gearing up for 2003 by employing more staff and committing more resources to campaigning, Labour is cutting staff and looking for further 'painful' cutbacks."

MSP UNDER FIRE FOR ADDITIONAL INCOME
Thu 25 Jul 02

Labour MSP Gordon Jackson tonight came under fire after it emerged he was one of Scotland's largest beneficiaries of legal aid. Mr Jackson, who juggles his work as a QC with his parliamentary role as MSP for Govan, was accused by the Scottish National Party of betraying his pledge to cut down on his legal work when he was elected. Figures published today by the Scottish Legal Aid Board revealed Mr Jackson was the sixth-highest earner from legal aid during the 2001-2002 financial year, collecting 149,000 pounds including VAT. It represented a 17% increase on his income from legal aid the previous year, which amounted to 127,000 pounds. SNP MSP Nicola Sturgeon, who contested the Govan constituency for the SNP in the 1999 Holyrood elections, tonight accused Mr Jackson of letting down his constituents. She said: "Gordon Jackson pledged when he stood for the Scottish elections that his legal work would disappear as being an MSP would be too demanding. He has completely reneged on that promise. He has let down the people of Govan, who deserve an MSP who will devote all their energies to the constituency rather than devote their energies to their bank balance."

See previous item.

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DATES IN HISTORY

SING A SANG AT LEAST
(compiled by Peter D Wright)

"That I for poor auld Scotland's sake
Some useful plan or book could make
Or sing a sang at least ........"

- Robert Burns

See the SING A SANG AT LEAST in our features section

A KIST O FERLIES
A Keek at the Guid Scots Tung

By Peter & Marilyn Wright 
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See Scots Language in our Features Section
for other poems, stories, songs, sayings and words in the Scots language

THE MONTHLY PRIZE CROSSWORD

Each month the Scots Independent Newspaper offers a prize crossword and we're now offering this online in the Flag in the Wind as well.   Should you complete the crossword by the deadline you can fax it over to the SI and the first correct one opened on the closing date will win a £10.00 book token.

SI Prize Crossword No. 32 AUGUST  2002
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